3.02.2007

Metapost: the 13 Theses

Dear Eggheads, once again I strenuously urge you to contact Seth at Taken As Read and complain about the ill treatment we here at The Little Black Egg are receiving. My letter to Seth, reprinted below, sums up the burning issues at stake.

We implore you: ACT NOW. Together we can make a difference.


Letter as follows:

Dear Seth,

I have been a faithful reader of Taken As Read since its inception. Even when I don't agree with you, I enjoy reading your thoughts on politics and art. I also respect the discipline and rigor you bring to your writing.

Needless to say, my heart soared like a hawk when you added my name to your "Blogroll" links. At first I thought it was only because I'd linked to you—and since your blog is a serious political thing, and my blog is a sloppily passionate, boiling miasma of ranty music exultation, I didn't expect a link back. But then I got one! How cool is that? I’ll tell you: it was pretty cool.

Seth, what I'm about to say might be interpreted as, oh, "looking a gift horse in the mouth." But when alone, free from observers, EVERYONE looks their gift horse in the mouth; you gotta ascertain the state of the horses teeth, you know?

So I looked the gift horse in the mouth, and my concern is as follows: my little blog link tag is "R— S—— on music." As far as descriptions go, it’s pretty meat and potatoes, cash and carry . . . not that there’s anything wrong with that.

However, The Rest is Noise has the tag "...
excellent thoughts on music from the New Yorker's Alex Ross." [Ed. note: emphasis mine]

Listen—I'm busting my balls over here! I've battled snowstorms, dug through cardboard boxes, haggled with morons, wasted hours listening to poorly-executed post-punk, paid out the wazoo for psych comps, FORCED myself to understand free jazz, and spent precious vacation time traveling to far-flung Balkan music festivals, all in the service of helping educate music fans all around our green earth on the power and glory of audio!

Mr. Ross on the other hand—Mr. Ross, who probably hasn't had to pay for a concert in ten years, is sipping snootfuls of bubbly and hob-nobbing with vulturous Margaret Dumont-esque biddies in Carnegie Hall. He already KNOWS the shit is good, it's in fucking Carnegie Hall! I'm over here, in Eastern Europe, piecing together whole discographies with nothing more then my remarkable mnemonic gifts, whereas Mr. Ross is lounging about in a newly-renovated Manhattan apartment, a team of researchers at his beck and call, congratulating himself on attending another performance of a Shostakovich something-or-other.

Now, I have nothing against Mr. Ross. I'm glad he's doing . . . you know, a blog about music. I'm just saying he probably isn’t at a loss for public acclaim and miscellaneous accolades. He works for the New Yorker! He doesn't need any more positive reinforcement.
I DO.

So here are some suggestions as to how you, Seth Stewart, can work to repair the damage wrought by this gross oversight.


1. Change my little tag to say " . . . hilarious, pulse-pounding musical analysis from R— S——."

2. Change my little tag to say "R— S—— on music (he's a better writer than Alex Ross)."

3. Change my little tag to say "Wit meets world . . . and kicks its fucking ass."

4. Change my little tag to say “My favoritest blog ever, even more so than Alex Ross’ blog, and he writes for the New Yorker.”

5. Change my little tag to say " . . . the most interesting music blog the world has ever seen.”

6. Get rid of all the other links so only mine remains. If you do this, feel free to leave my little tag as it is.

7. Change my little tag to say “The New Yorker’s R— S—— on music (except he’s too hip to write for the New Yorker, only asshole Establishment sellouts would ever do that)”

8. Put my link in a bigger font than Alex Ross’ link. I don’t mind if all the other links, besides Alex Ross’, are also the same font size, as long as Alex Ross’ link is somehow diminished.

9. Contact Alex Ross and inform him that, unless he gets me a gig writing for the New Yorker, you’ll delete his link from you page. Of course, I’m way too hip to write for the New Yorker, but I would like one of those sweet New Yorker copyeditors who put the umlaut over the second “o” in words like cooperate, thereby transforming it into the fierce-looking “coöperate.” Don’t be afraid to tell him directly: he will languish in cyber obscurity if he doesn’t “coöperate” with your demands.

10. Contact Alex Ross on the phone and get him to admit that his blog is a boring, flavorless pile of pap compared to mine, and then send me a recording of the call.

11. Leave my little tag alone but change Alex Ross’ to say “less interesting than The Little Black Egg but still a good effort by the New Yorker’s po-faced, slumber-inducing, geriatric music scribe Alex Ross.”

12. Leave my little tag alone but change Alex Ross’ to say “soulless meanderings by a lazy hack who is eleven years older than R— S——, the infinitely wittier maverick writer of The Little Black Egg.” [NOTE: I know that solution 12 closely resembles solution 11, but I don’t want to deprive you of options.]

13. Find another acceptable solution to what must be an unintentional, but nonetheless horrible, oversight.

Seth, I’m a reasonable guy. I don’t want to cause problems for you. God knows that I don’t want to have to embarrass poor Mr. Ross, who is probably just cruising along by dint of his seniority at this point. A tender, joyous music fan must lurk somewhere far beneath his hardened, cynical,
New Yorker carapace. I don't want to hurt, I want to heal. I want to see things set right.

Sincerely,

R— S——

Editor-in-chief
The Little Black Egg



I'm sure Seth would welcome your suggestions. I'm in favor of #6, myself.

3 comments:

Michael said...

I voted for him to pick 3 of his favorites and mix them all together.

Rick said...

Thank you, Michael. For a second there, I felt as though I were shouting out into the void. Kirkegaard never had it so bad, that herring-snarfing dork.

Gentle Readers, you would do well to follow Michael's lead and "get involved" with the affairs here. You know, think globally, act locally and all that.

Also, you would do well to visit Michael's blog Sleeping Bears, the link to which can be found to your right.

.///_-| said...

Rick, you have reached a new level of greatness